Dr. Umfer’s Jaded Rules for Earthlings

Dr. Umfer’s Jaded Rules for Earthlings

While I tried to keep it simple with 100 Rules, I will likely add more, so check back for updates. Enjoy and Laugh Out Loud. Also, due to Rule #3, I’m doing evaluations, consulting and media work. If you don’t think I totally suck, please contact me at umfer@umfer.org

Rule # 1: Always carry a weapon. Anything can be a weapon, even your words. Remember where you are, and that guns and alcohol don’t mix. Neither do guns and airports. Be smart.

Rule #2: Everybody lies. People deceive themselves and even lie to their therapists. Why? See rule #3.

Rule #3: Everybody sucks. You suck. I suck. We all suck. We all have some kind of crazy. Take it to therapy and overcome it.

Rule #4: Social skills are dying. People are socially inept, and they only think of themselves. Have real “face to face” social interactions more often.

Rule #5: The world revolves around me, and you think it revolves around you. Stop caring what others think, because they’re too wrapped up in themselves to even notice.

Rule #6: Only trust certain people with certain things. Your bff tells their lover your secrets. People usually break up, and that person knows your secrets. Are you ok with that?

Rule #7: Be considerate of others. You live in a community, and you have neighbors and colleagues that can hear and smell you.

Rule # 8: Own your mistakes. Take responsibility, and apologize if you mean it. Otherwise just fix it.

Rule #9: Try not to suck so much. Refer to rule #3. Download The Zombie Solution to learn not to suck.

Rule #10: Parent your children. Don’t let them run around like wild animals in public or stay home. Recall rule #9.

Rule #11: You can’t please everyone, so don’t even waste your time trying. Be yourself. Stop worrying about your therapist judging you. If you are, then perhaps you have spent too much time in Church. Your therapist has to analyze you, so if you fear being judged, you have a lot to work with in therapy.

Rule #12: People will disappoint you. Expect it. Get a cat or dog, because they’re easier to forgive, because they’re so cute.

Rule #13: If it isn’t fun, then don’t do it. If you have to do it, make sure you have something fun to do later.

Rule #14: Stop screaming into your cell phone. We can all hear you. If your caller is auditorily challenged, use face time or stay inside.

Rule #15: Only put energy into relationships that give back. Delete psychic vampires from your life.

Rule #16: Headphones were made for a reason. Nobody wants to hear what you’re listening to. Better yet, go home or roll up your car window.

Rule #17: If you drink your calories (ex: alcohol), and you’re not fat, you’re probably deprived of essential nutrients. Moderation. Or refer to #49.

Rule #18: Use your smelly carcinogenic sunscreen before going outside. The directions say to do so a half hour before swimming don’t they?Recall #7. Additionally, smoke your toxic cigarettes indoors, and keep your car windows rolled up. If you have to escape your second hand smoke, why the hell do you think others want to breathe it in? Oh yeah, Rule #3.

Rule #19: You don’t have children for unconditional love. If you didn’t get it from your parents, find it from within or seek therapy. Better yet, adopt a dog or a cat, because they are the only living beings who will love you no matter what.

Rule #20: Everything does taste better with bacon. Even vegans salivate when they smell it.

Rule #21: If you don’t like cats or Star Wars, then I’ll never fully trust you. Consider an MRI or PET scan, pun intended.

Rule #22: Nobody wants to hear your problems. It’s a friendship obligation that ideally works both ways, and it is your firend’s responsibility to tell you if it’s too much. See a therapist if you’re a hot mess, because it’s their job to listen to you.

Rule #23: Keep your money problems to yourself. Focusing on what you don’t have brings others vibrations down along with yours. Focus on what you do have. Don’t use money as an excuse to opt out of an activity. You’re a liar, remember. Make something up.

Rule #24: Practice gratitude. It brings better things into your life, including abundance (remember Rule #23?).

Rule #25: Don’t expect the person in front of you with groceries to let you ahead, because you have two items. Use the fast lane. Don’t be a victim. Nobody owes you anything.

Rule #26: You can’t fix stupid.

Rule #27: You’re as valuable to most people as you are useful to them.

Rule #28: Avoid people like rule #27. Find people that don’t suck as much.

Rule #29: Respect the Earth, or reap her Wrath. Bees create ¼ of our food supply. Don’t let Monsanto kill them. Bees don’t suck. If you’re allergic, it’s not their fault. Download Eat This Zombies and say NO to GMOs.

Rule #30: Misery doesn’t love company. Be around others who lift you up or you’ll be brought down. If you’re down, be around others who can handle it and help you feel better.

Rule #31: The body doesn’t lie. The brain does. The body will guide you, if you tune in and pay attention. Download The Zombie Solution to learn how to be more intuitive.

Rule #32: Exercise. Get off your ass right now and move. It is the most underutilized drug.

Rule #33: Cook your own food to best ensure it isn’t GMO or WTF food. Download Eat This Zombies.

Rule #34: If you can’t say it or spell it, don’t eat it.

Rule #35: Grammar, what is that again? Learn to speak and spell correctly. Stay in school. Criticize my typos. Go ahead. That means you’ve been educated, and I find that refreshing. People are really getting dumber. I also don’t edit, so there will be typos. I don’t do perfect, and neither should you.

Rule #36: If you call me and don’t leave a voicemail, don’t expect a call back.

Rule #37: Professionals who value their worth don’t negotiate their fees. You schedule, you pay, and you like it.

Rule #38: Have Faith in something greater than you, because of rules 3,4 and 12.

Rule #39: Carry headphones with you, because of rules 3 and 4.

Rule #40: When women join forces magical things happen. Men are terrified of this, and rightfully so. Don’t let them split or enable cattiness.

Rule #41: Embrace Nature, as it heals the soul.

Rule #42: The sun absorbs negativity and heals. Be outside more.

Rule #43: Eat clean or be sick. Download the Eat This Zombies app.

Rule #44: Sing, dance, create, draw, paint, laugh, bake…..Do something, because we all have it in us, even if we’re not good at it.

Rule #45: Your thoughts determine about 40% of your happiness. Think wisely. Download The Zombie Solution to learn how to change how you think.

Rule #46: Have fun, and take vacations.

Rule #47: NEVER borrow student loans. It is a self induced prison with a life sentence with no parole.

Rule #48: Food is meant to come from the Earth, not a lab. Eat clean. Download Eat This Zombies.

Rule #49: Drink alcohol (unless it is a problem). Then detox with healthy food, cardio and water.

Rule #50: If you have ADHD, you’ll do things like write out a bunch of rules without elaborating, because you’re already onto the next one. I will be doing this in you tube videos.

Rule #51: Respect others, but don’t tolerate disrespect. There is the high road, and there is just being abused.

Rule #52: If you piss off your cat, they will retaliate. But recall rule #19. It’s a good they’re so cute and lovable.

Rule #53: Even though you probably suck, you are lovable and deserve to be treated accordingly. The exception would be a sadistic psychopath. Nobody cares about you either. (She drops the mic).

Rule #54: There is no one size fits all for anything. Not clothes, diets, life goals, nothing. Live custom. Downoad The Zombie Solution.

Rule #55: Success is defined by each individual, not society’s expectations. You define your success.

Rule # 56: Live custom. Create your life.

Rule # 57: Dark chocolate is a superfood worthy of it’s own category on the food pyramid.

Rule #58: There are a few guarantees in life: Death, taxes, aging, student loans being the biggest mistake you’ll ever make, people sucking and having a blast at a rock concert.

Rule #59: Stop killing trees with paper. It’s 2017. Go digital already.

Rule #60: Be real. I know you’re a liar, but you can work on it. Download my ebook The Zombie Solution.

Rule #61: When super angry, forgive yourself, because you’re most likely pissed at yourself for being angry to begin with, or making the choice that led to being angry. Let it go.

Rule #62: Keep things simple.

Rule # 63: Ok, I know this is going to cause backlash. If you’re being bullied at school: Tell the authorities, and when they do nothing to stop it try this. Let the bully or one bully come close to you, and softly say something to antagonize them that nobody else can hear, let them put their hands on you first, so when you lay their ass out, it will be self defense. That’ll stop everyone from teasing you. Just don’t become a bully yourself.

Rule # 64: Karma is a bitch. Harm none, and do what you want. Otherwise the law of three will bite you hard.

Rule #65: You are responsible for your choices and behavior. If you choose to follow rule #63, even though a psychologist wrote it, the consequences are all on you. You don’t have to listent o me. Hell I break my own rules.

Rule # 66: If you think your significant other is cheating they probably are. If you are just the jealous type, well either way you’ll need therapy.

Rule # 67: If you’re overwhelmed, do less, and focus of self care.

Rule #68: Don’t be that person on twitter who follows to get followers, then unfollows when not followed or still unfollows to get followers. Just follow those you have an interest in. People who pull this really suck. Recall Rule #9.

Rule #69: Will or will not, there is no can’t. Stop making excuses, and own your decisions.

Rule # 70: Let them see you sweat, and tell them you’re detoxing from their negative vibes.

Rule #71: Trust your instincts or learn to via meditation. It can help you solve problems and save your life. Download The Zombie Solution.

Rule #72: Don’t censor yourself or change to make others feel comfortable. They can take it to therapy.

Rule #73: Most people are living beyond their means, so look at your own finances before judging or expecting too much from others.

Rule # 74 Along with #73, people who have or seem to have money don’t owe you the dinner tab. If I hear, “but you’re a Dr.” one more time, I’m going to show that person how much people can suck.

Rule # 75: You have to pay your dues in life. Not everyone can be an overnight youtube sensation. Work smart, but work you will. Also, stop crying like a bitch about the work. Just do it.

Rule #76: It is really better to be alone than with people who don’t really care about you or appreciate you. You might be a lone wolf, but one day you could be the pack leader.

Rule #77: What ever you expect that’s exactly what will happen. Expect wisely. Download The Zombie Solution to work on those expectations and thought patterns.

Rule # 78: tActions really do reveal people’s true motives, not what they say.

Rule # 79: Pay it forward. You’ll suck less. You don’t have to spend money to do this (unless your friend is selling products, then a good friend would buy and share on social media to show support, otherwise you suck tenfold). You don’t have to match a referral with a referral. Find other ways to help folks out. For example, share their stuff on social media, if they are selling or crowdfunding. It all balances out somehow. Search your feelings, you know it is true.

Rule 80: Pamper yourself, otherwise, who will.

Rule # 81: People tend to overeat, because it’s a drug and more reliable than people. Find people who’s company you enjoy more than food. Ok that is a tough one. You might need therapy or The Zombie Solution for this one.






Rule #82: If you’re going to overindulge in food or drink, breaking your diet, make sure the calories are worth it. If the food sucks, then you’ll feel even more guilty. Look to Rule #86.

Rule #83: If you don’t take care of yourself first, then you’ll have nothing to give those you care about.

Rule # 84: Even though most people suck and lie, there will be those who care for you. Cherish them, and hold on for dear life, and put your energy into those relationships.

Rule # 85: Don’t worry about kicking a toxic person out of your life. Like any parasite, they’ll find another host.

Rule #86: Guilt is a toxic emotion. Find a way to eradicate it or it will lead to shame, anger, fear and the Dark Side.

Rule # 87: If you have any kind of illness eat antiinflammatory food. It can heal you. You’ll basically be eating Earty and avoiding fillers and other perservatives. You are what you eat. I’m no stinking GMO, are you? Download Eat This Zombies.

Rule #88: Chronic illnesses are not just medical, but are associated with emotions that aren’t being addressed. For instance, if you have sinus issues, what are you angry about? Stomach issues? What can’t you digest, and what crap are you eating?

Rule #89: Get massages and treat yourself to healthy rewarding experiences. Recall Rule #80.

Rule # 90: If you need help, ask for it. If you don’t know something, say so and figure it out. If you want soemthing, ask for it. People can’t really read your mind, well maybe a select few, but that’s rare and controversial, and it’s up to you to ask.

Rule # 91: Go ahead and judge people’s behaviors. You can’t help yourself, but don’t judge the actual person. We all do stupid stuff, and remember Rule #3.

Rule #92: If you get arrested the only words you will speak are “I’d like a lawyer.” Shut your firggin mouth.

Rule # 93: If you are charged with a crime, talk to your lawyer about a psychological evaluation by a forensic psychologist (especially if you’re charged with a sex crime, ask about psychosexuals). Sometimes they can help your case. The worst that can happen is you spent money learning that you might suck like Rule #3 on steroids, and need to make some changes.


Rule # 94: If you tend to have a problem stopping eating or knowing when you’re full, you’re probably not as messed up or eating disordered than you think. You might be, but we are wired to think primitively, think paleo times. Some of us haven’t evolved our thinking to know we have another meal coming, and that there isn’t a zombie apocalypse on the horizon. So learn to be more mindful, and remind yourself that you are not a stray cat, and can stop eating when you are full or think you should be full.

Rule # 95: Don’t overprepare for the Zombies. So I lied, the apocalypse is coming, but we don’t know when. So be happy now, and live for now. Think about it. After a few days of being around yourself and others who haven’t bathed in a week, you’d probably shoot yourself in the brainstem. Do you really want to survive that?


Rule #96: You will learn to suck less (#3), if you download The Zombie Solution ebook from amazon and Eat This Zombies game app from your mobile device. At this time it is for iPhones, iPads and Droids. Do this now and tell others, and you will be awesome.









Rule #97: I admit I break my own rules, but here goes. If it hurts, don’t do it. Regarding exercise, just move, and do what you enjoy doing. Don’t force yourself into crazy exercise (like I have posted on other sites, but I do enjoy them, but they hurt), unless you like doing them. Walk and do pilates/yoga.

Rule #98: If you don’t like cats, you probably really suck, like Rule #3 on steroids suck. Having a dog doesn’t make one any less of a sociopath. Recall Rule #21.

Rule #99: Know your strengths and weaknesses. Have others do what you suck at. If you think you’re great at everything, firstly you’re not. Secondly, ask someone critical in your life, like a parent or friend, and they will tell you, because they will know.

Rule #100:IfIsomebody gives you free tickets to an event it’s common courtesy for everybody to pitch in and pay for that person’s meal, or individually buy that person a drink. Don’t be an ingrate. Remember rule #9.hjj

While I’d like to keep it cool at 100, I will likely get hyper creative and add more, so check back


ple suck and they lie there are people who care about you when you find them and cherish them and put your energy into those relationships



Dr. Umfer is a licensed clinical psychologist and forensic psychologist in Tampa Florida. She specializes in weight loss and forensic evaluations, such as sex offender risk assessments, psychological evaluations for substance abuse, competency, fitness for duty, immigration etc. She has certifications in fitness and nutrition, clinical hypnotherapy and as a meditation instructor. She identifies herself as a Forensic Evaluator and Weight Liberator and strives to help clients become "Umferized" aka empowered and fulfilled.

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